Spectral
by ginpatsunoshounen
Summary: He met an airheaded, whimsical girl on my birthday. He said goodbye to a scarred, mature girl on another birthday of mine. This is the story of everything that happened inbetween, a vagabond settling down and a shackled bird finally learning to soar. [discontinued]
1. Prologue

Based on the manga series "Hunter x Hunter" by Yoshihiro Togashi.

* * *

 **Prologue**

* * *

The first time I saw him, leaning against the street lamp with a red, crumpled chocolate wrapper in his right hand, it was my eighteenth birthday. Silvery white hair reflected the yellow rays of light in a way that gave the young man a hazy, dreamy look. After a few moments of staring ahead, he lifted his arm to throw the chocolate wrapper in the bin located a few metres behind him, hitting it without looking at it. I was in a white flowy dress; I haven't figured out why to this day, I'm not the type to wear flowy dresses. But evidently, our first meeting was destined to be this way; him surrounded with his usual otherworldly manner, me hiding my real self in a misleading attire. It's kind of cheesy to relate our meeting to destiny, but it sure felt like it. I suspect that the feeling was the foreshadowing of the turns our relationship -if you can call the addictive, vertiginious whirlwind we two let ourselves blow us about, not able to let each other go but getting torn away in exchange, a relationship- was going to take in the future.

The second thing I remember about that night was Killua pushing himself away from the lamp post and me, the newly-licensed contract hunter who was too impulsive to specialise in one field, following him on a whim - the way I did everything I did. Not thinking. Not perceiving. Definitely not like an assassin. Of course, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Only a vague sense of something being out of the ordinary.

I was right about this one, though.

From his angelic hair, to his devilish name; not a single thing about Killua Zoldyck was ordinary, after all.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

* * *

And I was hopelessly attracted to extraordinary.

The boy with enhanced senses ambled in front of me, aware of my presence without a doubt. To tease him a bit, I let my aura out on full intensity and watched his reaction. He was too good at hiding them that I was nearly going to get pierced through the heart by his lightspeed hand if it wasn't for my flair which took action before my brain. A sphere of aura escaped my hand and landed itself in the boy's hand, effectively taking control of it. We looked at each other for some time while I restricted his clawed right hand with his own left hand. I could almost hear what was going on in his brain, you didn't need to be a genius to guess what he wondered about me though.

"Oh, hey." I chanted as if nothing was abnormal. His aura sizzled.

"What." he spat, noninterrogatively.

"No need to be so hostile." I twittered, knowing I was annoying him no end. Hell, even I was annoyed by myself but it felt ridiculously good to make him mad.

Aura left my body in arrows when the air turned static, signalling the upcoming thunderstorm. My water-like life energy clashed with his electric streaks, our offenses neutralising each other.

I let my amusement show on my face. "Splendid."

He snorted.

"Stop being so sour." I said playfully. "I'm Rena." I looked at him sweetly.

"I don't care who you are."

"Now you're being rude." I said, not even a tiny bit of disapproval in my voice to go with the disapproving words.

"Good to know I achieved my goal. Why were you following me?"

"Oh, honey," -an out of character thing to say for me-, "I wasn't following you. I was going wherever my feet were bringing me to."

To this, he showed his claws. I used the aura I had planted into his hand to control his hands. He didn't miss that in order to do that, I had to demonstrate the gesture myself.

"Don't joke around, woman." he uttered, voice as cold as stone. It was more likely to be the other way around, but still.

I released his hands and let my aura in his hand disappear completely. Since I didn't have a reason for following him other than "I did as I pleased", I stayed silent. Instead, I gazed into his eyes. I try to remember what I said at that moment, but my mind draws a blank. It wasn't my conscious that was speaking. According to Killua, I blurted "I was interested." and stared at him so intensely that he felt something wake in him.

My memories are still vibrant for the next part, though. Other than that thing I said while I was trying to find a clue in the slanted blue eyes, I remember everything that has something to do with Killua.

He turned his back to me but didn't walk away. It was only after I stepped forward to come next to him that he moved. We didn't talk anymore that night. Nothing were there to require us to talk. We were doing okay without words.

I'm not one to talk much, about myself and my life in particular. But I feel that I can't let that night, that still makes a shiver go down my spine every time it comes to my mind, go unwritten.

My sentience rarely fails me. That night, too, I knew that I was the first girl (if not person) to set foot on his apartment. I was the first one he shared his bed with. I had the honour of being the first person to feel him, in every sense of the word.

I've never been high, but I know that no drug could give me the high I had when my bare body was pressed against his. I would have laughed at your face if you came to me on my eighteenth birthday and told me I was going to sleep with the mighty assassin Killua Zoldyck that night. And I couldn't guess even if I racked my brain for ten years that that boy was going to be a random white haired lad I ran into in a deserted Garitea street.

But then again, a silver haired guy isn't a random one.

I had known little about sex before that night. But it came naturally to me the moment I touched Killua. I wasn't even desiring him till that moment, but his fire quickly absorbed me.

It was quiet and peaceful, and I had never felt more content with sharing my personal space with another. So much for the high tension that was around previously on that night.

I woke up to find myself staring at a pair of blue eyes. I smiled sheepishly to suppress the slight shyness. When he didn't return it, I let my lips go back to their usual pouty form. I shrunk under his intense gaze and lowered my eyes to his chest.

"Killua." he broke the everlasting silence.

"Pardon me?"

"My name. Killua."

I didn't respond.

He didn't continue.

To prevent my entangled feelings from getting the better of my brain, I asked him the question on my mind.

"What is it that is out of the ordinary about you?"

He was bemused. "Like... What?"

"The reason I followed you. You have something different about you. I don't mean your hair. Or the fact that you can turn your hands into lion paws."

"I kill people for a living." His voice was probably too nonchalant for the character of his words, but I didn't qualify as the morally whitest person in Padokea either.

"Oh... This explains the immunity to electricity, too." I surmised. I always saw how obvious things were after they had been pointed out for me. It was a wonder how I passed the Hunter exam with my inattention.

Killua changed the topic. "Now that you have the answer to your question, what are you going to do?"

"Me?" I asked. "I'm too stupid for my own good." I added mainly to myself for asking such a question.

The faint breeze caressing my hair informed me about his amusement. It felt nice to have him laugh, for I could only imagine what kind of torturous life he was leading, a perfect assassin from the birth.

"I think I'll stick around for a while." I revealed. "You're interesting."

"And I'll be okay with that?"

"And you'll be okay with that." I affirmed. I raised my eyes to meet his.

"You are a lot easier to stand now than you were last night." Killua announced.

"I was being irritating on purpose. I think it was my subconscious' way to make you use Hatsu."

"What does that mean?"

"Probably that I sensed your nen's rare characteristic and wanted to see it myself." I guessed. "I do so many things without knowing why. The reasoning comes to me later. It's like my intuition is functioning independently from the rest of my body."

"Is this a special power or are you a crank?"

I gave an amused snort. "I'm not the most normal person out there. The only special power I trained on is the one I used on you."

"Your training sure has been fruitful." he said, a little pissed that I had beaten him.

"I was only defending myself, you know. You were too aggressive to strike up a friendly conversation with."

"Occupational disease." He shook off the blanket and got out of the bed as his words were welcomed with silence. I silently watched his nude figure tousling a piece of white underwear and an equally white bra aside to reveal a pair of dark blue boxers.

I had always thought of sex as an activity in which men ravenously thrusted themselves at women to prove their dominance, and women meekly complied. I hadn't thought I was ever going to lose my virginity, for I thought all men were more or less the same with their superiority complex. But now, looking at the man who smoothly took it from me; I didn't feel like I betrayed myself. I was still the same, I didn't give in to him, he didn't use any force on me.

"Are you a Zoldyck?" I asked. He turned his head to glance at me sideways before giving a nod.

"You are comfortable sharing personal information with me." I pressed.

"You are not smart enough for me to be afraid of a betrayal." He sounded amused.

"Oh..."

"I love how you are not the least bit mad at that." His smile was audible.

"They are true words on one level." I admitted. "I'm up in the clouds for the most part. I'm not a thinker."

The response I got was the sound of an egg cracking. He got in the room next to the front door, which had to be the bathroom, after that. I, too, decided to get up. I guessed it was okay for me to walk around just in underwear since Killua tacitly gave the OK, but it was too chilly for me to do so. Wearing the dress also seemed comical. I sat on the bed and waited for Killua to come back.

"Could you give me something to wear?" I greeted him as he opened the bathroom door.

"Sure." He walked to the other side of the room, where a small wardrobe I hadn't noticed before was located. He threw a heap of dark coloured clothes -only the walls had light colouring in this house- at me before going back to cooking. It smelled like he was doing a good job.

I put on the indigo blue t-shirt and grey shorts. I actually looked like a guy in them, given my hair that was a lot less volumed than Killua's.

"I decided that I want silver hair." I announced, pulling a chair under myself before realising it was the only chair in the house. He made me sit back with a wave of his hand from his place on the bed.

"You want to look like a granny?"

"You don't look like a geezer, so why would I look like a granny?"

"Only another Zoldyck can pull off silver hair like I do." he said conceitedly.

"Do relatives by marriage count?" I inquired. One of my every three sentences was a question, practically.

"I never thought about that. A strange thing for you to wonder."

"I am strange."

"You're right about that."

He picked his crumpled clothes up off the floor and went back to the bathroom.

"Hey, Rena," he called short after, "could you bring me some clothes?"

I put my plate on the counter, made my way to his wardrobe and looked at the mess of dark blue, black, brown and occasional light grey for a few seconds. I pulled a pair of black jeans and the only green clothing he had from their respective hangers. I looked for underwear and socks in his drawers. I opened the door to the bathroom as he opened his mouth to call me.

"Thank you, and how about knocking before barging in? Not that I mind, but manners..."

"What manners?" I questioned off-mindedly. "I don't abide by manners."

"It's futile to say that to the girl who just decided to be a freeloader after our one-nighter, on a second thought." he sighed, not exactly sounding like complaining.

"Freeloader? I never said I wasn't going to pay for my expenses." I objected. "And don't blame it all on me, you wouldn't let me stay in and talk to me so casually if you thought of me as your one night stand."

"You're not as gullible as I imagined, I see." he admitted.

I wasn't so sure about that, but I let it pass.

"I've completely forgotten about this shirt."

I snapped back to reality. "Shame. It looks so good on you."

He shifted nervously.

"Is this the first compliment you've ever received or are you a little girl at heart?"

"I'd go with the latter..."

I laughed at that. "Such honesty. I feel honoured you are trusting me with your biggest secret."

"You knew the answer anyway."

"Yeah, just like I knew it was your first time."

"Wait, how could you tell? Was I that bad?"

I let out a louder laugh. "I like you already."

He was the first person I didn't mind talking to. So it became my mission to construe his personality and find out what was special about him. This puts me in a subcategory of Trouble Hunter business as far as I understand the unnecessarily complex world of Hunters.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

* * *

"What are your plans for the day?" I asked, observing Killua washing the dishes.

"Nothing. I don't know why I dressed up."

He turned his head and asked why I was watching him washing the dishes with so much attention after five minutes of silence.

"No reason, I guess."

He exhaled audibly. "What are your plans?"

"I'll go to work."

"Where's your workplace?"

"The big, funny looking purple business centre."

"What's your job?" He asked after another five minutes of silence in order to make the conversation flow over the huge stone that was my conversation killer answers.

"I'm a Nen teacher. I must say that I'm a terrible one." I decided to help him seeing he was genuinely curious about me.

"Figures."

"It was the job that required the least time and skills. I want to gain full competence in poisons before taking on a big job."

"When did you obtain your License?"

"A year ago."

"When did you start learning Nen?"

"Nine years ago."

"Whoa. Nine?"

"Not everybody is born gifted like you." I said implicatively.

"It's not that your Nen is weak. I was wondering about the parents that teached their kid Nen at age... a small age."

"Nine." I informed. "I turned eighteen yesterday. You barely slipped through the net."

He raised an eyebrow suggestively. "Just when I was thinking I couldn't get any luckier..."

I scoffed. "Don't jape."

"You find it funny when I do, though."

"Not vilipending my femininity would increase your chances of hitting a home run."

"I'm not vilipending it, I was serious."

"You were not."

"I admit to poking fun at you, but no more."

"Whatever, it doesn't matter." I stood up to change into my dress.

"Do you want me to walk you there? Since I have nothing to do." Killua offered, watching me pull the dress over my head.

"Why not?"

"And then you could teach me Nen..."

"How about you teach my most problematic Transmuter student how to do his job? Even I can change my aura's quality. Or better, electrocute him." I pleaded, ignoring his quirky comment.

"I can give it a try."

"Thanks." I waited as he locked the door.

"About what you said earlier, you're a Poison Hunter, eh?" He hadn't given me the impression of being talkative at first glance but I guessed I was wrong.

"Yeah, though I don't know how exactly am I going to make money."

"It's so easy if you know where to look for it."

"Do you think I know?"

He smiled. "Not really."

"Are you a Hunter?" I inquired, stressing "you".

"I have a license, but it has been in my bottom drawer for five years."

These were the last words spoken until we arrived the Grillea Business Centre.

"Miss Stargazer! Miss Stargazer!"

"Solinage. Lethia." I acknowledged my most eager students.

"I can keep my Ren for thirty minutes now."

"I have found my super power!"

"What good news." Killua snickered at my lack of enthusiasm.

They accompanied us to the top floor of the building where I teached and lived. Five of my students were waiting there.

"Do you know where Pang is?"

"Here." a breathless Pang answered.

"Welcome, and let's start. We have a guest today, who accepted to help me with your Transmutation training. It's only a one-day offer, so I'd bleed him dry if I were you."

"Hello." Killua greeted. "The name's Killua. You can call me by my name."

The three Transmuters gathered around Killua while I explained Hatsu to Solinage and let her think about a special power. Lethia showed off her power.

"An advice for you," Killua chimed in, "if you don't improve your Emission skills, your ninja stars won't hurt more than fly bites. And since Emission is directly opposite Conjuration in Nen chart, it's nearly impossible. So you shouldn't detach your stars from your hand completely. You can try conjuring thin threads instead so that they'll continue to feed on you after throwing."

Lethia thanked him for the advice. I was happy someone was doing the lecturing in my place.

He was better than me with kids, I'd be the neglecting mother with problematic kids if he were the caring mother who somehow managed always to keep her temper even with three whining, pooping and not eating babies. My students actually looked a lot more eager and attentive than normal. Probably because their teacher was more eager and attentive than normal.

"Is your problematic Transmuter Pang?" Killua asked me later that day, as I filled a backpack with random things like a nail clipper, shamrock green nail polish and a wool sweater that wasn't going to do me much good in August. "His problem was that he thought being a Transmuter was lame, so I showed him a few cool things. Problem solved."

"A few cool things." I echoed, smiling.

"I get to have a lot of cool tricks, being a prodigy."

"How about becoming my teacher, then?" I offered. "A quick ego boost. Teaching Nen to a Nen teacher."

"You plan to live with me for quite some time, seemingly." he said with a voice bitterly devoid of emotion.

"You can teach me here. I don't have to stay at your place for the duration of our lessons."

"I can't promise anything. I have a busy life, and to be honest, I have had very limited interaction with humans since I was fifteen. Plus, we met just yesterday."

"I understand. I, too, prefer to be by myself. It was the realisation that I didn't mind your presence in my personal space which gave me the desire of being close to you for a while. I'd like to know the reason behind it."

We had one of our long silences. The silent periods inbetween words were part of the dialogue and they held just as much driving force as our words. I could see the dissatisfaction on his face, he was probably thinking about ways to put me off, but I could be quite brazenfaced and I didn't intend to lose touch with him anytime soon.

"Don't cry when I kick you out of my house."

"Okay, I won't." What I really had on mind at that moment was _I have a feeling that you will change your mind soon_ , but it was an overly confident thing to say and even an overly outspoken person like me had words I didn't utter because I didn't want to swallow them right back.

And guess what. I was right. But I'm not the least bit pleased that I was.

Or maybe I am. But I wasn't when the memories of the incident were still fresh.

During our lunch at a diner and the walk to Killua's home, or rather until Killua's older brother called him and he left me alone in his house, not a single word was exchanged between us. Killua was reflecting on things. I was reviewing the possible turns my life could take in the following weeks. There weren't many. I could fall in love with him due to him being the first person I hadn't tried to disincline. His response to that wouldn't be in my best interest. I could not fall in love with him and want him only as a friend. He didn't look like he wanted friends.

That meant I'd have to leave him soon.

Now looking back, I see that my intuition was blinded when it came to matters concerning myself.

But isn't it the best that you don't ever know what'll happen to you next?

Who wants to have their life planned out for them, Killua had once said to me.

He then had looked away as he had uttered a taboo word. But I couldn't be bothered, I had been busy being surprised how he complimented and contradicted himself at the same time. What happened after I wised up to the reason he had acted that way, I'll come to that eventually.

I guess I spoiled it a bit. It is clear after all I said that I didn't leave him soon after that day. But don't think it was because my feelings were mutual. To tell the truth, I am still not sure what Killua's initial feelings about me were.

I am not sure what _my_ initial feelings about him were. Sure, he intrigued me, but I am intrigued by a number of things. Something doesn't even have to be intriguing to intrigue me. If I don't have anything particular on my mind, which I rarely have, I give all my attention to the first thing capturing it. This is why I followed Killua that night; I didn't want to go home and there he was with his red chocolate wrapper and halo of white hair, as if beckoning me to go after him.

I'm digressing, but I always digress. Even my digressions are part of the story. The story of... Well, I don't know of a word to describe Killua and me. "Killua and me", besides not being a word, is too short of meaning and too vague. "Rollercoaster" is too cliché. I know for a fact that we were not cliché.

Oh, I know. We were the world.

It delights me to know that I took up so much space in Killua's zipped world. Just a little.

But the delight didn't come without something leaving me in return.

What left me, in this case, was my... Dignity?

I don't know. And honestly, I don't care.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

* * *

I had applied for a one-to-one tutouring job two weeks ago, to make more money and plan a trip to somewhere in Mitene Union for my poison studies. My boss informed me that I had been rejected as first thing in the morning.

"They are looking for someone more experienced, and a male if possible."

"Why a male?" I asked, deadpan.

He shrunk under my gaze as if he were the one who made the sexist statement. "The student is a heterosexual female."

"What a coincidence. Me too." The words came out peppery. "No worries, boss - I'll find another job. Cheers."

I left the room without giving him a chance to dismiss me. I was deep in thought. I shouldn't have had that many difficulties finding a job with a Hunter License. I was being denied every job I managed to find in a ridiculous, hapless way.

Guess I had no choice but to fly to Yorknew City and find the esoterical Sengi Guild.

I went to my room, where an ancient desktop computer and a slow internet connection waited for me. I booked a flight for the weekend. I skimmed through an online local newspaper to acquaint myself with the current conditions in Yorknew. The auction was three weeks away, so the city was slowly filling up; scenes were being made by aggressive mafia bodyguards and individuals uncommitted to any gangs. Finding accomodation was another problem. I guess I had to camp. It wasn't like I was going to get robbed, I had nothing valuable in my possession. Unless you count my life, which wouldn't mean anything to thieves and professional criminals. Then there was the locating of the guild, it was too optimistic to assume I was going to find the guild, the job and the airport without getting lost in a mere two days. I probably needed to have tho whole week off work, but I didn't feel like arguing with boss. Simply skipping the whole week and having the book of rules thrown at my face thereafter seemed like the smoother option. Maybe I should consider giving the kids a solid, time-consuming homework and declare the week off. The boss had granted me authorisation anyway. The parents had to roll with it.

The parents were going to be taken as reference if I could get my foot in the door of one of the big family houses in Padokea, but I guessed it was unlikely to find a job in Padokea in Sengi Guild. The agents in Sengi Guild were working with professionals, the most -if only- prestigious family in Padokea was the Zoldycks and they were their own employers.

The Zoldycks. I couldn't see them as the mighty band of serial killers anymore, as I did before. I hadn't given them much thought earlier, I guess they hadn't really come as earthly to me. They were some sort of nobility, taking over compelling killing jobs; no images of human beings were attached to the Zoldyck family members in my head. But they were like me and the everyday people on the street in a way; brothers and of Killua, white haired or blue eyed like him, scoffing at each other's jokes, groaning when they had to leave their bed early to go on a mission, zapping through kid's channels to get the image of their last victim's last moment out of their head.

Maybe I normalised them too much. Maybe the only difference between them and me weren't clawed hands. Maybe they didn't have any remorse for any of their killings. Maybe Killua didn't have any sisters. I might ask him about the legendary family of assassins. Typical for him, legendary for me.

The legendary family's current first lady was the woman who had changed Killua's diapers. She had breastfed him.

Okay, I didn't find them intimidating anymore. Perhaps she hadn't once seen dirty diapers and let babysitters care for her children. But there was no unseeing the images of a suckling Killua. I'd have to explain why I was snickering everytime I looked at him when he returned. Jam cookies, this was funny.

My entertainment was apparently still visible on my face, because a concerned Solinage asked what was wrong as the first thing when she arrived.

"Your sense of humour." I jested. She, being the twelve-year-old she was, was going to get offended, but I had my fun. It didn't necessarily mean that something was wrong when I laughed. I just had a different taste.

Solinage shot daggers at me whole day. Lethia was clueless to her silent anger, and made it worse by not leaving my side for a second.

"Miss? I can't keep the shuriken attached to me the way your friend suggested."

"You should throw them, but don't throw them. Do you know what I mean? You should throw them, but don't think of it as throwing. Your sentimental bond should never break."

There were huffs, annoyed noises and frustrated cries.

"The whole thing is too abstract! Isn't breaking the connection supposed to be harder than keeping it?"

"You don't have full control over your energy yet."

" _When_ will I have it?"

"The question is, will you ever have it?"

Her eyes widened. "You're joking!"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Some people are cut for tangible weapons. Try real shuriken."

"What's the point of learning Nen, then?"

"It's not like 'be offensive or nothing'. You can conjure a rope that don't break, a lantern that lights up everything in the diameter of 100 metres or even an invisibility cloak, as far as I know. Of course it's incredulously hard, it might be too wearing for you if you can't conjure a thread between your hand and shuriken."

"Whoa, Miss, you're blunt." She finally left me for Solinage, who was trying to burn dents into my body with her eyes. Too bad for her that no change in the atmosphere was caused by her aura at all - she was another hopeless student of mine.

Two of the remaining students were doing fairly good, though. they had more of a friendly relationship with me than a teacher-student relationship. They were 14, a brother and a sister. I had seen the two of them kissing once, and my coolness with the situation had led them to see me as an elder sister, I presume. I wasn't closer to them than I was to the other students, it was more like a silent agreement. They would only talk to each other and generally be out of sight, I would let them be and cover for them in routine family meetings.

It was wondrous, the strength of the ties created out of silence. Words were the trash of the brain, cores of thoughts that lose all importance once they were out of your head. Your words didn't mean anything to anyone but you, people just pretended they did and went along with the phenomenon to fit in, whereas it was only what you didn't say that mattered, what you made the others see through means other than talking. At the end of the day, the only things that left a trace behind after slipping my mind were those that were unspoken, the ones that weren't forced onto me. If I had a sanctus, something I put devout faith in, it would be silence. Empty but full, isolating but bringing together, mute but eloquent.

I could manipulate silence however I wanted. I could wear it as a mantlet of unapproachableness like I was doing with most of the people, to form unfathomable bonds with a selected few, to pass the buck to someone else like I had done with Killua that night when I had had no answer to his question. I used it as a staff, for I didn't trust the words to do my bidding. Words were my pets. Silence was my own self.

Silence was what I could never have in my Nen class. When interactive beings like my students surrounded me, I couldn't maintain silence. Very few people realised the true potential of silence or could utilise it like I did, they used their words as bridges to reach me, and I naturally complied.

I decided to dismiss the class after getting burnt for the third time by Nouah's newfound fire ability.

"I'm sure you can make fire blades out of it, Nouah, this fact doesn't need any more proof."

"Sorry, Miss." He nervously laughed, his hand shooting up to rest on his neck. He had gotten used to me not saying anything to ease the feeling of guilt, so he moved to leave. He raised his hand as in goodbye and went out the door.

I tended to my burns after tidying out the classroom. Noah had potential, lots of it. Unfortunately; whereas he had a surplus in potential, he lacked control. Too often, I was what his expansive aura exploded on. It happened so many times I didn't react to fire anymore.

I was in my room for an hour or two before the business centre got closed for the day. I sorted out my clothes, bringing the long sleeves and fine-knit cardigans to the front. I turned a hand to the sorting of the nail polish bottles, cleaned up the spots and small puddles of nail polish, threw away the clumpy ones that were about four years old.

I drew on sheets of used paper. The paper was adorned with dress wearing, crossed-legged girls by the time the lead of my clutch pencil was too short to draw with. They were sketchy and unnatural looking but there wasn't much to do in my room, which was hardly the size of a closet. This led me to take a walk in the business centre in which I was all alone.

I walked all the way downstairs, then climbed all the way up. I left my traces everywhere; written random words with my finger, singed, did eurhythmics. Just to make memories. The inside of the building was getting dark, but the outside was still visible. I looked out of the window and talked to people, built paper bridges between me and them. The flimsy nature of words, the fickle nature of people, the forgetful nature of mine. I was living in the moment, in the full sense of the word. I was living today to be forgotten tomorrow. To have a free mind the next day. Because it felt like my mind wasn't going to stay as my backroom for long.

With my body and mind purified from everything exogeneous; I was lighter, emptier, less dense. It was easier for the wind to carry me. The wind that was said to be the wanderer's arch enemy, for it wanted the wanderer to settle and be the only one unsettled, to visit the wanderer from time to time.

It carried me to Killua's home.


	5. Chapter 4

Although I'm running

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

* * *

Killua's house felt very much like home, especially without him around. He had a stack of books under his bed, which I pillaged the moment I found it.

I was halfway through a book about a kid who was reincarnated as the second child of her -now his- family, when Killua returned. It was around four in the morning. He didn't ask why I was up and went straight in the bathroom. I got up from his bed and sank to the floor.

It took him ten minutes to realise I wasn't in the bed with him after he had lied down.

"What are you doing out of the bed?"

He tried again when I didn't respond. "Rena, come to bed."

"You don't have to." I crooned. "I know you're a gentleman."

"You're not going to sleep on the floor."

"I wouldn't want to share my bed."

"But I want to." The words apparently shot off before he could consider the consequences.

I rose from my nestle near his bed. "Thank you. And don't worry, I'm not gonna presume on your kindness. You can reclaim my spot on the bed anytime you want to, I won't object."

"It wasn't my concern." he murmured in an almost inaudible voice.

"If not, then what's your concern?" I would normally ask. But I felt like letting him drown in thought. I didn't want to open the drain in his mind.

The change in my way of thinking was fast but smooth, and definitely for the worse.

Killua, does this make me a cunning bitch?

In any case, I'm "your bitch". I guess.

See, I thought I hated possession implications.

But somehow, this doesn't feel like I'm betraying myself at all. Doing many uncharacteristic things doesn't feel like betraying myself when it comes to Killua. I shouldn't have let someone so deep in myself, but I'm only justified because the same goes for Killua, too. I swear I'm not imagining it, the whole thing is as toxic for him as it is for me. But he has always had dependence issues, so I'm not that justified, maybe.

Let's get down to business. We slept together that night. Killua's scent reminded me of something I couldn't put my finger on.

I was only able to put my finger on it when I went to work and couldn't see Lethia around. I was calm but really confused asking Killua the reason for his obliteration of her.

"Illumi said it was a request from one of my old friends and that he wanted me to do it."

"Who is that old friend?"

"Why are you being nosy?"

 _I'm always nosy, sunshine..._ "I want to know who Lethia could pose that big of a threat for."

"He's a lad with a blood feud. Maybe she was related to those he want to take revenge on."

"You are evading saying it."

"Well, that should suggest you to stop pressing." he spat angrily.

"It doesn't, and nothing ever will." I informed merrily. "I'll always want to know more. Maybe you'll be interested in my deductions based on my prior knowledge." I had a breather.

"Kurapika the Seasoned Black List Hunter, Phantom Troupe leader Mr. Upside Down Crucifix Lucilfer, Machi Pinkhair, Lethia Oh-My-God-Pinkhair-Too."

"Don't ask questions you know the answer of, then." He sounded even more pissed than before. "And I'd _recommend_ you to stay out of this."

"Chill out, Killua. I'm not in anything just because I know about it. Every Hunter has heard the name Kurapika, every _person_ knows about the Phantom Troupe, the rest is so obvious it blinds your eyes doesn't it?"

I was trying to prove a point. I had never ever felt the need to prove my point before that day, mind you.

"Why do we make such a big deal out of this?" I tried to reason. "I don't want to fight you. You can try being more acceptive of me, since you can't dispose of me at the moment. I'll ignore your moodiness in return."

"I have no tolerance for unnecessary nosiness."

"Cool." I said. "I'm taking a walk. Do you need anything?"

He uttered a really acrid "no". I left and wandered around the district for him to calm down a little. I saw Lethia's friends from the academy returning from the cemetery. They were too miserable to notice me.

"How could a tiger break into that house?" Sheia asked Garri.

"I don't know. It unnerves me that her beanpole of an uncle was so nonchalant about the whole ordeal."

"Well, he is related to the Phantom Troupe after all. Everybody fears him. Gotta keep up appearances."

I still didn't know what to make of Killua's unusual edginess. But the cover-up story for the execution was too funny not to be lighthearted about.

I ended up sitting on the edge of the pavement and watching the life of others flow by before my eyes. My own life became a distant, hazy dream inbetween the far more real things happening around me. I zoned out pretty quickly, and people hadn't bothered the lonely girl on the pavement ever since I had started with my Nen training.

"Your aura is repulsing people the same way a bitchy classmate would do." An examiner on my Hunter Exam had said. "I'm guessing you have no complaints."

Did I repulse Killua too, unconsciously? Because I felt like I had lost control of my aura after I had met him. He spread on my brain, claimed the intuitive compartment entirely for himself and gave me the feeling newfound hobbies had always given.

He didn't look repulsed by me, though. At least not because of my aura. I was still too inquisitive for his taste.

Then again, it was only about one permille of my reality he had caught a glimpse of. It's not that I have a personality trench deep, I'm just really hyper, the type they call a "nutter".

I returned home -I had adapted rather quickly, I didn't know if this is good or bad though-, having watched the streets for three hours straight and having eaten only three bars of chocolate for the duration of the day. Ravenously, I camped in front of the fridge. Killua watched me with disinterested eyes.

While I was eating olives for lack of more nutritious food, the bell rang. Our eyes found each other's at the same second.

"Must be one of the girl's relatives." said Killua with a resigned voice which didn't fit his murderous alter ego.

"Are you going to kill him or is he going to kill you?"

He shrugged. A completely casual-looking Torude, if his eyes that hinted at a few loose screws didn't count, smiled directly at me.

Something clicked in my head. "Are you Lethia's avenger? Damn."

"Princess, princess." he said, honey dripping from his voice. "Are you here to steal the assassin's heart, too?"

"Shut up, lolicon." Spit came out in invisible specks. "You've only been able to come this far because I'm not good at connecting the dots."

"How come? You solved the Lethia mystery in no time, didn't you?"

It was all thanks to Lethia's scent that clung to Killua that I figured that out, but I wasn't going to argue this with him, of course. "Cut short. Are you here to finally have your share? To avenge Lethia? Either way, it wasn't a wise move at all." I decided knowing how he was aware of my solution wasn't going to do us any good.

"Mm..." Torude sounded like he was going to melt into a puddle of melted butter. "Are you playing hard to get..." It didn't even come out as a question.

Killua was watching intently, trying to figure out what we were on about. I think it was the step Torude took towards me that made him catch on.

"Dude, are you a paraphile or just paedophile? What about Rena turns you on, exactly?"

He smoothly -or maybe pronouncedly- humiliated me, but it was fine. He was buying time. It wasn't clear if Torude bought it; but it was a noble try, and totally worth it even if Torude saw right through it.

"Aw, what do you mean? She is eighteen now, isn't she?" Torude sent me a sickly sweet, stiltedly innocent look. "I haven't ever advanced you, you know. But you are no longer twelve... And it's been so long since I last devoured a good, jammy fruit..." He gracefully turned his head to Killua.

Killua twitched ever so invisibly. "Rena is not a fruit. More importantly, she is not yours to devour."

"So you're telling me you intend to keep her for yourself... But don't expect me to hand her over to you like a lamb."

Killua's dilemma was some droll sight. He most certainly had spent some time with Torude before, their demeanor regarding each other strongly suggested that. But he apparently couldn't see as clear as I did that in order to turn the tables, he should not go along with him but deny everything he said. Were two Transmuter's encounters always this heated? Torude and Killua was alike in many aspects, I couldn't even get angry that I was the subject of their bargain, too busy watching the fastmoving exchange.

"Let's skip the owner of Rena part and get down to business." Killua eventually said, bored of deceiving small talk. "You have another reason to be here."

"Right, Machi's niece." Torude chimed with his gratingly fake sounding voice. The soft-faced, insidious paedophile. I had really been a fool not to realise he was the same soft-faced pseudo-Hunter from my childhood looking for a place in the Phantom Troupe.

Killua tapped his foot impatiently.

"I know who you got your orders from." Torude continued. "He'll be taken care of. I shall end his glorious life before he gets to be a remarkable botheration. He has already lived for too long, killing of my lovely strawberry's comrades." He paused, even though there were no apparent reason to do so. The bastard just wanted drama.

"But you, Killua... It will be a really, really prodigious waste if I kill you now. Or anytime, for that matter. You are rare, unique even. I wouldn't want to be the one to erase such a precious thing off the face of Earth."

Killua snorted. "Just admit that you don't have the balls."

I had a huge, wailing, red-flashing bad feeling about what was going to happen the next second...

I instinctively got closer to Killua, all the aura I sent in Torude's direction running to waste. Guess I really had no redeeming quality to attract a power Hunter, after all. Torude was right behind me the next second; the nine-story building with us on top turning to dust and Killua leaving my peripheral vision. I aimed lithified aura at Torude's head considering that he was sort of immune to my usual Manipulation kind, but the fucker had nine hundred ninety nine lives.

I had lost track of Killua, for Torude sealed my aura nodes with his strange oily aura. I didn't even know his oil was capable of blocking aura from coming out of the body.

He had seriously come to abduct me. I wasn't sure if this was humiliating or complimentary.

The complimentary part would not be that I succesfully attracted a nymphomaniac, it would be that I had actually been on this nutter's mind and he remembered my birthday. The one I forgot frequently. This proved that I wasn't as insignificant for him as Killua implied. I knew he didn't mean it that way, but I also knew that he meant it that way at the same time.

In the end, I decided to take that as an insult. He was carrying me on his shoulder like a bag of potatoes, bringing me somewhere out of my knowledge, having put distance between me and my company without my consent. And he was going to satisfy his filthy desire with me, rape me in cold blood.

Don't even get me started on what in hell he had done to Killua and his house.

The part that pained me the most is that I was not strong enough to protect myself. I despised myself as fierily as I despised Torude for not being the self-sufficient, independent individual I had always aspired to be and needing a hand to help me get myself out of this mess.

I gave up and gave myself to my surroundings, there was no way I'd catch him by surprise anytime soon. He brought me to a building not so far away, it was several minutes later that I recognised the building as my workplace, where I had been Machi's niece's teacher and only an unobtrusive, not so promising young girl just that morning. Now I was here again, for the second time that day; as Torude's long-time love interest and an appetising ripe fruit, not unobtrusive enough for Torude to miss, but still not promising.

Back when I had been Freya and Duran Stargazer's only daughter living in a two-story antediluvian house, I used to love everything an average kid didn't. I had been hunting spiders -sometimes standing watch by their nest for four hours straight-, fleeing the house to go camping in the mountains, jumping off the roof to see if I could land on my feet. I had escaped death so many times that everyone had started to think I was "the mistress of the devil". I don't have many scars left due to my skin's fast healing, but I had been in combats with lynxes, black bear cubs and once a hyena. I hadn't had -and still don't have- any sense of danger. Though I can't see why they had been anything less than proud of my agility, my parents had been disappointed in my disobedience through which I had obtained that agility. But yet, based on that, they had assumed that I'd be competent in the art of Nen and had started my training one year earlier than planned.

"This should be a piece of cake for you." my dad had said, his voice giving off a faint timbre of taunt. "You, the girl who ate the falcon's egg..."

My father used to constantly make me question my legitimity as his child with his hostility. I was only calling him father as a means to acknowledge the fact that he had made me start my Nen training. I would be a walking target after leaving the house if I hadn't trained for eight years by that time.

So he had started to teach me how it worked. Ten, Zetsu, Ren and Hatsu. I hadn't been exceptionally good at it. I had had difficulties in Hatsu. My father had been ashamed of having such an ordinary daughter. To top it all off, I was a Manipulator; the one Nen user type he despised.

"So that was what was going through your mind every time you talked us into letting you out? Manipulating us?"

"Honey, you are being ridiculous." my mother had said. Not to protect me, but to prevent my father from blowing up things. He was about as good at controlling his anger as I was at controlling my life energy.

I didn't exactly blame them for not having any kind of parental love for me. I didn't feel anything for them either. I had discovered the world outside of my house by the age of six and had had more nights spent outside than under the safe roof of my house afterwards. They hadn't had me because they had wanted a child, they had been having a tough time in their relationship and had thought a kid had been the answer. I hadn't chosen my parents, and I hadn't found anything about them lovable. They had fed me for six years, thanks. But I have been in a self imposed state of taking care of myself since.

It had taken three years for my father to realise we hadn't been doing any better by blindly trying harder. That's when Torude had made his first appearance.

The first three years had passed finding out and polishing my ability. Torude had been a proper teacher back then. The idea of learning from a bossy Nen master when I could be out teaching myself hadn't appealed to me, but I had also wanted to learn quickly and have my own life by the time I would be eighteen.

As I was slowly growing up, I'd sensed something off with the way Torude had treated me. Faithfully, I was sixteen then and quickly ditched him to prepare for the Hunter exam by myself. It was a waste that I didn't make it the first time, that year's exam was so easy compared to the average. I played checkers for 48 hours straight, engaged in teamwork with six miserable exam takers trying for the fifteenth time, found the tune to make the snakes sleep and escaped the snake house. But I completely bombed the physical endurance test, pushing a 50-kilogramme stone out of the way to get out of the cave.

The 294th Hunter Exam was the one I passed, it gained worldwide recognition -even in the Mitene Union- for being the hardest Hunter exam in mental area. I was hardly affected by the 51-day waiting (someone murdered three of the guardians on 51th day) in an eight cubic metre solitude room, I slept and dreamt and Manipulated the most incapable guardian into bringing me sweets. Finding the weak link in the chain cost me a good beating from the sturdier ones; but it was funny, seeing the guardian walk into the kitchen and fill his arms with desserts against his will, all the while cursing like a sea god. The examiners had a lot of fun, I suppose.

After that, I never returned to Lotteru. I found a job in Garitea, they gave me a room in my workplace. This was the best I could ask for.

But of course, things weren't going to go that smoothly for a single girl living alone, with no relatives to look for her. So, as Torude told me after he sent me flying on my bed in my room, I was easy meat.

"You were so effortless to catch I feel like I'm cheating my way into the Phantom Troupe."


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

* * *

Having the control of your life in another person's hands can make you do things you aren't normally a fan of.

My small living space had been my friend for a year. Mute, understanding, sharing - the best traits a friend could have. Not that I would mind if it talked; but I wouldn't, and it would probably start grousing about how such a bore I was.

My room - my only friend, my confidant, my comfortable cell. How ironic it was that I was now going bonkers for doing the same thing I had always did until two days ago - being shut in my room. The relaxation I would only have when I was in my room was now replaced with a huge stone sitting in my stomach, making it a grind for me to move. As if to spite me, I just couldn't stay still. I was practically climbing the walls. I was kicking the air, rolling up in a ball, breathing as if I had just finished a marathon to exhale the stone away. It only made me more hyperactive. My mind didn't leave me in peace long enough for me to fall asleep. It didn't leave me in peace at all. I was biting myself in a manner that I thought I subconsciously wanted to finish myself off eating. And I didn't even know why I was that nervous. I didn't have any reason to be, did I? Was I afraid I'd be killed? No. Was I frustrated that I couldn't get myself free? No, I'd gotten past that. Was I being tortured or driven into a mental war? No, if I didn't count Torude being annoying to death. Did I have any reason to be out of this room, any people to go to? No. Yes.

The peculiar guy, the smooth killer, the innocent-looking hare. With all the importance I'd given to him for being the only substance to get past the semipermeable membrane around my mind, the only place in this universe that I had all for my own; Killua was now like a stubborn piece of sticker on my consciousness, flinging it in my face that I made my own life ten times harder by letting something non-self in.

The fact that Killua, a somewhat omnipotent piece of conceited shit; was easily taken down by the old, ever-smiling peeve of a man was enough of a reason to go mad in my sea of ignorance of what was happening outside. He might not be alive right now for all I know, he had let his guard down once.

It is indeed hard to kill an assassin. It is near impossible to kill a Zoldyck, therefore Killua, who quite literally gives the word its meaning of "a person who kills others for a living". But if I'd learned something from my life in which I accomplished a few things I had deemed impossible for me to do, nothing is impossible. Except me winning at arm wrestling. This had proven itself to be impossible.

I tried to visualise him, to see if he had any weak spots on his body. No, he had a physique which had made me almost mistake him for a disturbingly humanoid Chimera Ant. Those Ants always have eight or ten-packs. His fighting style couldn't be anything less than perfect, that was what it meant to be a professional killer and never have gotten caught. I really couldn't fathom how Torude had gotten the better of him, being a sorry excuse of a man in comparison to Killua. Come to think of it, I didn't really know if he got the better of him. I wasn't privy to the aftermath of my embarrassingly quick defeat. I had sensed something bad at that moment, and I hadn't questioned the feeling. I was seldom wrong when it came to recondite expressions of a peculiar mind. The rarities happened when there was an interference. Now there was an interference, and that interference was named after the newest person I had welcomed in my life.

The terrifying feeling was that this interference functioned more like a catalyst for my intuition-based danger sensing skills that worked fine for everyone but myself. The first time in my thinking history that didn't get deleted due to timeout, every voice in my head descanted in unison: _He is in danger._ Behind all the noise they made, another tiny voice added in its feminine voice I thought was an alegory for the childish and hopeful side of mine, added: _He is coming for you._

I strongly doubted the last part, but I let it go with the wind. It was all the same, he wasn't well either way.

I exhausted myself thinking eventually and fell asleep. After seven blessed hours of not being conscious; Torude shone upon my day, whom I couldn't care about enough to attack and try to shut up.

"Princess, take a bath."

Countless Nen arrows rose from my body, their pointy ends turned towards Torude. He scoffed, placed the trolley he brought on the coffee table and left. I couldn't deny I needed a bath, though.

I poured all my aura onto the lock on my door, knowing it wouldn't be enough once he put his mind to breaking in. Still, it wasn't any good to lay down arms and practically shout at Torude to do whatever he wanted with me. My resolution was the plexiglass wall between him and me, providing an illusion of protection. Torude wasn't all brawn, but I didn't think his brain would suffice to see through the plexiglass.

I put my clothes in the washing machine and stayed in the bath for the duration of the washing process. I washed my brain clean of toxic thoughts in the meantime. I knew that I was worrying about a guy I had just met for the lack of anything better to do, so I tried to prolong the time of everything I did. And this meant making it absurdly long, since I already did everything I did with absolutely zero haste.

I slept for a few more hours while waiting for my clothes to dry. However, this filled up my sleep quota and left me wide awake for the rest of the night. Suddenly seeing myself fit to overpower Torude and leave this madness behind; I withdrew my aura from the door, also absorbing the aura Torude put thereon. It was a feature of my ability that worked like endocytosis -contrary to the main ability that doesn't fully work like exocytosis when my aura enters my opponent's body without a shroud of their own aura-, his aura was now within me in a bubble of my own aura. It would have been pestilential for my Nen skills to have stranger aura in the borders of my own aura should the bubble disappear, but it also gave me some kind of immunisation against his offence.

I hadn't used this technique for purposes other than simulation before. I didn't know to which extent it protected me from the attacks coming from the owner of the aura, I just knew it sort of did because I had been the only one unharmed in the Hunter Exam when an examinee detonated an aura bomb. I had barely had the time to cover my body with aura; and while I had been waiting for the impact, I had felt like being hit by a giant wave when a great amount of aura entered my body in little packages of my own. It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't harmful either. For the lack of conflicts in my life at that time, I had never resorted to this in front of Torude. This was a rare chance.

The door opened to reveal the familiar hallway before me. A breeze chilled my legs. I pulled my socks to cover a bit more skin, wondering where it came from. There were no windows in this hallway.

"You shouldn't be such a big pain for me." a cold voice uttered. "So that I don't cause a bigger pain to you."

Startledly, I straightened. A big bubble of aura made its way towards Torude, only to dissociate into its particles once it went too near.

"Nen chainsaws," he informed proudly, "that work the best on you because I absorbed too much genetical information from you while I was teaching you."

I realised what his words really meant after five seconds of silence. I attacked on instinct - there was no time for me to lay a scheme. Blindly, I poured maybe a little too much aura in the invisible tentacles coming out of me. He managed to dodge every time. He was too good at this, better than he could have ever been if he gave eighty years into training. He was too professional. Then was when it dawned on me that it wasn't his power that beat me with such ease.

He had absorbed genetical information from me while he was teaching me. He had absorbed genetical information from Lethia, who couldn't control her power for dear life. He was probably planning to absorb genetical information from Machi, too.

He was a Nen parasite. That was why Killua was overcome so uncannily. That was probably related to Lethia's killing. Lethia wasn't the kind of girl to be reduced to silence by Torude, a man whose powers would only seem more piteous in comparison to her aunt's, and all members of the Troupe she called sisters and brothers. This earned her an undeservedly early death after her life energy was suched out of her till nothing was left of her but a cocoon. Killua had said that he had done it upon a friend's request, but he had been told this by his brother who hadn't sounded auspicious at all. I had faith in my judgement of character. Killua hadn't mentioned his brother casually despite the casualness of the conversation we were having, and his brother didn't appear as a completely normal, everyday person; he obviously had something more going on in his head when he had ordered his brother to do the killing for one of his old friends. It was as if he was a rich parent and Killua was being friendly with poor kids, so he was making Killua spit in their faces and call them names in hopes that he would soon start to see them as inferior, he would stop being friends with them. Killua didn't seem affected, but I was afraid this was caused by acclimation.

This older brother sounded horribly like a Manipulator to me. I was thoroughbred when it came to Nen, teaching it for a living. Manipulation power was like an alter ego that was in a constant quarrel with the holder of the power. The result was dependent on the similarity of the Manipulator's character and the alter ego. Manipulators were into manipulating people as the name implied, but there were ones like me who didn't have the natural predisposition. Those were what the others called an insult to the Manipulator name. This was, of course, used as a compliment among the non-Manipulators who had blinkers on, like my father.

The name Manipulator sounded secretive, calculating, sly. That was how a Manipulator should be. But sadly, I wasn't anything like that. Analysing the situation in the middle of my fight with Torude, I guaranteed myself a checkmate. It wouldn't create much difference if I put my mind in the fight with the immunisation Torude had against me, but I would at least take a piece of the revenge I should take against him for draining me -and now Killua- of my power for eternity.

Torude didn't have technique. He used brute power alone. He mastered Enhancement and Conjuration with the borrowed aura he had, and he was as good at them as he was at Transmutation. He had hid it from me up to now, but now he put it on display. He was more like a beast than a parasite, but a parasite was all he was.

He returned my immobilised body back to my room. He didn't have a trace of his signature jack-o-lantern smile. Weirdly enough, his ego didn't seem to inflate upon his grand victory. Maybe I wasn't a challenge. Maybe I was too female and too fragile. Maybe he just didn't feel like boasting. I gave up trying to make sense out of everything and being too curious for my brain to handle.

Once again, I was defeated. At least now I knew that it wasn't because I wasn't powerful enough. There was a reason I couldn't get better at what I did in the teeth of the effort I put into it. Nevertheless, I could always get better and achieve my actual objective, for the sake of which my teaching career had begun. I needed to be a real Poison Hunter, and there were no obstacles between my goal and me that I couldn't overcome.

Well, not alone, of course. I couldn't overcome them alone.

I needed a certain boy to accompany me on my journey. I knew for a fact that he didn't want to carry on with his life as it was in its current state.

His possible unwillingness was nothing but a small issue. _This_ was something I could overcome.

It was the first test I needed to pass. Plus, and firstly, getting out of here. And I hadn't ever been more eager in my life.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

* * *

All of my fingers were covered in dried blood from my finger biting and skin peeling by the end of the sixth day of my confinement.

Torude was letting me know of his lust for me. Three times a day. Conflictingly, he didn't lay a finger on me, saying he was saving me for his "dear old friends".

This didn't make any sense, it wasn't like the Troupe to take revenge on their enemies in an indirect way such as the case with me. The ferocious, strong Machi; who was, not to mention, one of the founding members of the Troupe that had a resplendent reputation for being a devilishly admirable, sinfully fair band; wouldn't punish Killua Zoldyck through a girl who he barely knew. There should be more going on underneath the surface. She wouldn't even be bothered to capture me, it was most certainly Torude trying to lure her into his trap.

None of these mattered to me, however. I was doing myself a great mental damage with my low key panic, feeling of vulnerability and hate that wasn't directed to anywhere in particular. Then, there was Killua. He was an assassin and even he had fallen into the trap. Something kept nagging me; another flair of mine that told me him being an assassin had been to his disadvantage, that he had calculated too much and missed a few points that had disguised themselves as ineffective. That he was in a worse situation than me now.

It was a pity I had no skin left on my fingers to gnaw at.

I tried to attract my mind away from the room around me. I tried to get into his mind and worry about myself as him, for a change.

He was mad. He was going crazy. He lost his senses, he was blaming himself for my abduction and he was going to throw himself in the eye of the storm.

He succesfully qualified as the daftest person I had ever met, even with all the credit he had taken for his matchless wits. He had so much unused space in his heart, he helplessly tried to fill it with everyone that crossed his path. Either by killing them and having their ghost haunt his heart, or by caring so much about them that their shadow haunts his mind. It wasn't easy to say that the second option was better, it meant death for Killua like the first option meant death for me. Fortunately, Killua wasn't dead yet.

He might very well not be on his way here. He might have concluded that I wasn't worth the fight. I didn't have any information whatsoever that could be used against him, we had literally just met yesterday. Whereas I didn't think he was the type to just forget and let go even it was someone he didn't know at all; he was also an assassin, which was a subgroup of pragmatists.

Right in the middle of my train of thought, Torude came to inform me about Machi's arrival at Garitea. Maybe Killua was dead. I could not know for sure, I didn't feel like believing Torude at all and according to him, Machi had come straight here after getting off the plane. My only solace was that Machi didn't look like someone who had just killed a person when she gracefully strode into my room.

"You have caught the wrong person, Torude." she said calmly. "This is not the girl in the report."

The words struck my head like electricity. What did that mean, the report? Did that mean that they had another reason to tail Killua, other than his execution of Lethia?

"I'm not even sure if that in the report was a girl, let alone a love interest like this girl here supposedly is."

They didn't know what they were doing. This made me feel a little more hopeful about my planned escape which involved doing some kind of Manipulation on Torude I haven't tried before. I didn't have the certain body part to demonstrate what I wanted my opponent's same part to do. But I couldn't think of anything better to do, and I was going to try this even if there were no chance of winning the battle anyway. I liked putting my thoughts into action and not worrying about the consequences.

"The cyborg nags at me all day long already, Torude." Machi was saying. "Just do something useful for once and find her. Black holes for eyes, for goodness' sake. Did you capture this girl because you're interested?"

"Machi, my love." Torude was fawning all over her, disgusting piece of feces. God, I was being so polite to that literal inhabitant of the Garitean sewer system. "You're hurting me. There is no one I love but you."

"You can want to fuck someone without loving them." Machi said.

"I'm not his right hand." I broke in, no longer able to listen to them commodifying me.

Machi's face got softer, guarded people's substitution for smiling.

"Let her go. We are not told to catch anyone but Alluka."

I wanted to record the change in Torude's face in the seconds surrounding Machi's words and replay it repeatedly.

Machi dismissed Torude and told me one last thing before letting me go.

"That white haired kid," she started talking with a blase voice, "has been too much trouble for us, he and his blond mate. They don't cooperate anymore, but what they have done is more than enough. You, on the other hand, didn't do anything to get under my skin, Lethia used to tell me you were a decent teacher." She stopped examining my stance.

"Go, but know that Killua Zoldyck isn't having the best time of his life right now."

I stood there languidly for a moment, and decided to try my luck. Machi didn't seem inclined to favour his alleged comrade over me.

"I'm not saying I'm the best teacher out there, but I think the real reason behind Lethia's incapability at Nen wasn't my mediocre teaching. She was most likely a victim of Torude."

She eyed me confusedly. I took it as a good sign that she let her state of mind show on somewhere I could see.

"Torude is a Nen leecher. He told me himself. Lethia never had any problem controlling her aura, her aura was inadequate nonetheless. I guess she had been drained of too much aura since she used to be close to Torude for a long time."

I made a small gesture of gratefulness before leaving, I knew Machi wasn't going to accept a bigger thanks.

In my short life, I have escaped many captivities. This one was merely a training for me. It hadn't been easy, and I only managed to break free with the help of another in the end, but I adjusted to conditions pretty quickly. It wasn't on my conscious, but I knew that I would always find a way, just as I had done up till that moment. My mind was already going on about what I was going to do next when I was dragging a bag filled with everything in my possession downstairs to leave the business centre, possibly for the last time in near future.

So began my quest to find Killua Zoldyck.

And to ditch Torude Rambion once again, because he didn't seem to like the idea of letting me go this quickly. He actually went as far as to block Machi's nose and mouth to make her pass out, and force me to go with him. This time, I put up a real fight. I fought his various Nen blades with a thick, heavy iron rod - a primitive weapon that was left there for me in case of a break-in at night while I was residing here - that supposedly gave him a real, throbbing, excruciating pain wen I practically shoved it up his tail. I was slashed across my face and bust fifteen times, but it was a fair price to pay for rendering a man fifty times stronger than me, bodily and Nen-wise, ineffective.

Now I could go look for Killua Zoldyck, of whom I didn't hear for a week. The first place that came to my mind to look for him was Kukuroo Mountain.

I visited Killua's place first, to see if there was anything I could rescue from the ruins. A couple of the residents of the now crushed building were still there, loading trucks with furnishing and belongings.

Looking at the remains of Killua's last five years was melancholic. Big changes in short times were always melancholic. Seeing his clothes in his wardrobe that was now nearly flattened, I wanted to pick everything he had up and build a new life for him in a new place. It was the least that could be done for the boy who didn't have a life given over to him for him to shape and live as he pleased, but a life that was neatly cut and regulated in his place so that he could impeccably play his part. It was the least I could do for the guy who turned my life upside down overnight.

I should learn to give him a place in my heart, to treasure him even if it meant hurting on my part. I secretly wanted to see how it felt to be hurt by a person I loved, how far would I allow someone to bend me, how long would it take for them to break me. I have experienced enough indifference in my first eighteen years, it was time to see how other things felt. Killua ignited those thoughts, and happened to be the subject of my undirected intense feelings that were always within me, hidden under a lid. Moreover, he seemed like the perfect subject I could have with this airheadedness of mine. Maybe I was a good match for him, too. He could take a breather with me, perhaps decide to keep me around for he liked the colour I painted his life.

I couldn't pick his life up the floor and pull it together by myself, in my current state of privation. I guess I just had to leave it there to wait for us until we return one day and build it again from scratch.


	8. Chapter 7

A chapter after over a month in which I got sucked into the Haikyuu hell... I honestly didn't know what to do with this story, I'd like to write this so that I could get better at writing and plotting, but I'm also easily disouraged and this hardly gets any reviews. Despite that, this is the first time I didn't lose my enthusiasm for something for this long, and I think this is pretty impressive for a person like me who can't stay happy, sad, angry or excited for longer than a minute.

* * *

 **Chapter 7**

* * *

The Kukuroo Mountain isn't a legend for nothing.

After the bus had left me in front of the gates, I spent approximately three hours reflecting on the possible ways to get over the gates before someone noticed my presence. The guardhouse seemed to be empty, with the alleged guard inside the gates, feeding some animal that had too high a voice to pass for any animal in existence that I knew of.

Climbing on the rooftop of the guardhouse, I tried shouting.

"Woof, woof!" I imitated the animal.

The shuffling inside the gates stopped. The animal barked back, sounding much more like a dinosaur. Because the person inside didn't make a sound, I "woof"ed more insistently. It couldn't pass as barking, but the animal didn't seem to care. He started barking so loudly I went temporarily deaf for a few moments. The gates opened to reveal an old man and the paw of something nearly as tall as the gates.

"Hello!" I beamed, excited to find someone who could feed me some information about Killua. "Have you, by any chance, see a white haired kid with a permanent conceited expression pass by recently?"

The man looked at me with contemplating eyes. The animal barked once more.

"May I ask why are you searching for Mr. Killua? How do you know him?"

My face has always been too quick to show my emotions, probably because it wasn't used to them. I was already looking at the man with a slight smirk that had a mix of annoyance and amusement the moment he started the sentence. I tried not to let it sound in my voice.

"I would love to tell you the story, but I don't want to waste any time if you won't be giving me answers thereafter."

The man smiled knowingly, shaking his head. "Mr. Killua is not here, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I haven't seen him in five years. But I wonder, did something happen to him? It is strange of someone to come looking for him years after his leaving, someone who seems to be acquainted with him."

"Oh, no, nothing." I lied. I didn't want anyone to interfere, though I couldn't exactly tell if Killua would want me to notify his family or not. I just wanted to be alone on my quest, and I would like to take my time. I'd feel like I betrayed Killua's trust if I put other people between us before properly talked things out. "He told me he would show me a few of his Nen tricks, which are very cool, by the way; then he ditched me. I'm not going to leave him alone until he keeps his promise." Although this part wasn't a lie, I kept the ball rolling and flashed a sweet smile to compliment my oblivious attitude, which felt in place on my lips as I acted the infatuated girl.

The guard chuckled. "He is a difficult boy, Mr. Killua." He seemed to reminisce his childhood. "Good luck in your pursuit. Say hello from Mike if you ever find him. He is pretty good at hiding. If you find him, this probably means he wanted you to find him."

I hailed the guard and barked friendly to the oversized dog inside the gates. He started speaking as I lifted my foot to leave.

"If you don't mind telling, what is you name, fine lady? I could remind Mr. Killua of his promise if he ever decides to visit his old home, or wants to see if he is still strong enough to open the gates with one hand."

I didn't know if I wanted him to inform Killua. I didn't think he would come here anymore if he didn't up until that moment; but if he did, he might not be eager to meet me and might try to throw me off the track. But in the end, I confined myself to a shake of my head and departed.

Sometimes, life takes you by your hand and pulls you, it doesn't wait for you to get yourself together. It dumps on you whatever shit it is feeling like dumping at that moment, and you spend a lifetime getting yourself clean. I was the type not to get myself clean, I was fine wandering around covered in goo; but I wasn't sure this was the right thing to do anymore. I wanted to get myself clean, I wanted to get Killua clean, I wanted to wrap up the subject and turn back to my old life, study to become a Poison Hunter and maybe finally share a home with somebody I feel comfortable with.

I could live like the vagabond I was for the rest of my life. I could simply forget about the time I had spent with a peculiar, white haired guy. It was a thrilling experience, the first time in my life I was that cooperative. I could let it pass as a one-time thing, I could let that such a person ever entered my life slip from my mind completely. I was calling for trouble, doing exactly what I have been running away from, connecting to someone on an emotional level, risking my sleep and happiness and carefree state of mind should what I have in my heart be one-sided. I didn't even know if I wanted this. I guess Killua just charmed me towards himself.

So I climbed the mountains up and down, killed for my meals, plundered for a place to sleep. My clothes were tattered, my hair was beyond the point I could untangle it without a pair of scissors, I was sure Killua wouldn't recognise me if I showed up right in that moment. I was in my summer clothes, I only had one sweater and a pair of leg warmers in my backpack which I couldn't afford ruining this early in winter, I knew finding Killua would take some time but I kept pushing the thought that it could, in fact, take longer than a season, away. I willed for it to be still warm enough that canvas shorts and short-sleeves didn't look absurdly out of place when I'd find him.

I didn't think about the possibility of being the one to get shocked when I'd find him. And I didn't give it a single thought that I might never find him.

I could keep my En for a longer time than other average Nen users, for mine wasn't as sensitive and powerful. I covered most of the southeastern countryside of Padokea in the month I'd been on the way, hitchhiking and riding various wild animals I didn't know the names of. Most of them had come to me on their own. I guess they had sensed my need of help, I had heard that animals were drawn to Nen. As much as they provided me enough ease, I didn't even run into proper Nen users, let alone Killua. It was late September, I didn't have any money, it started to get more and more desolate each day.

One day, I realised how comical my situation was. I couldn't believe myself, I couldn't tell how I had been able to do this for this long. I didn't pronounced a proper word in days, I didn't even eat anymore, and I felt my head getting empty. It was an enigma how I didn't get bored out of mind. Sure, I liked being solitary, but I didn't normally get bored when I was alone. Now I was only walking and walking and walking without doing anything. I didn't have any hope for anything at all, I just kept what I was doing for the sake of doing something.

I thought of it as physical training. After a month in which I literally did nothing but travel without a destination, I was able to run for minutes and not be out of breath, I noticed I was a lot less jiggly. There was an upside to the aimless wandering after all, I felt better in my body. I felt strong. Maybe this was what kept me going. I did what I had needed to do all my life -pushing my boundaries-, I got out of my comfort zone and here I was, not too exhausted and unenthusiastic to continue but fueled with new energy every waking hour.

Wishing to change my surroundings a bit, I turned my face north. That's when I finally got a lead.

We followed each other's trail of aura to find each other. We both had our En turned all the way up, me looking for someone and he looking for someone who is looking for someone. A Poison Hunter and a Blacklist Hunter, respectively.

Kurapika really was everything that had been going around claimed about him, so that I had known he was a male judging by his aura before I came face to face with him. They had said he was a monster in a body too beautiful to be a monster's, they had said that only experienced Nen users could see what he really had been. It was clear why someone with their nodes sealed close couldn't tell if he was a guy, let alone seeing his true colours and sensing his concealed potential of causing danger.

I, knowing who he was, had a more gathered and confident attitude than him. I didn't know what had gotten into myself, maybe it was the physical exhaustion finally taking its toll on my mind as well, when I straightforwardly asked if he knew where Killua Zoldyck was. He was nonplussed.

"I know you made his family kill someone in your place. Maybe you two have communicated."

"I didn't do such a thing."

"If you are lying because you think this is none of my business, just quit. I'm more involved in this than my outward appearance tells, trust me. If this is the truth, then well, damn. I'm going home."

This really got out of my mouth without getting processed in my brain. I didn't think the source of these words was my brain at all.

"How do you know Killua?"

"We have fucked some emotional bonds into each other." _He did, but did I?_

Kurapika sent a disapproving look in my way. He didn't seem to be the type to believe in the magical bonding powers of loveless consensual sex.

"If you think this makes you a part of this..."

"This isn't what makes me a part of this, I think it's Killua's trust he put in me that, you should know better than me, is hard-earned. But I'm not in a position to do so much talking, we really need to keep it short and simple for me to comprehend everything, my mind is as messy as I look like at the moment."

Kurapika was on the lookout for criminals and Hunter-related cases to be solved. He was looking for something to work on. He was resolved to carve everything friend-related out of his professional life. I was carrying an intriguing case with me. It was concerning a friend of his.

Exactly the thing he was looking for.

But he couldn't resist the problem that needed to be solved, and I think I might had been another interesting thing to direct his fresh attention to that he had to keep contained for a long time while he didn't have any task at hand. People tend to find me interesting once they lift the lid on my brain and see what my actions and words mean. This interest was always unwanted on my part, however it had have a positive effect, for the second time after my encounter with Killua.

Did Killua's interest have a positive effect on me? I didn't know.

I was unenlightened about so many things. The time I learned some things was slowly coming. In the form of a blond Hunter with an exotic earring that contrasted his black suit.

"So, you said you didn't pay the Zoldycks to kill a pink-haired sixteen year old?"


	9. Chapter 8

To guest: Thank you so much! I think I will go on with this story for a while to see how the first story I actually committed myself to will turn out to be. Though I can't promise this fic will always be up on fanfiction dot net, somewhere along the way I might delete this account (you can most likely read this on archiveofourown, then).

To laladev: I fixed it (changed it to "devilish"). The thing is, that expression makes sense in my native language, so I figured it kind of made sense in English, too. Thanks for pointing it out.

* * *

 **Chapter 8**

* * *

Kurapika, a 25-year-old stern man with blonde locks to destroy his image and a stone hard face to make up for it, was too famous for us to leave the airport unnoticed. I didn't like being the nameless new girl next to the Blacklist Star, who didn't make an appearance with a girl -or a guy, for that matter- since the starting of his career and thus, his fame. Being pointed at, speculated about; these were not things I could handle in my situation, all the sleep deprivation and the pain of newly built and excessively used muscles kicking in now that I'd found a lead and was entitled to relax for the time being.

Kurapika, being a veteran and a much feared person even among the eager, novice journalists deployed alongside his walking path; had managed to walk past the cameras, dragging me along and making it crystal clear that we two had no relationship of that sort. I was certain my facial expression was just as helpful, a mix of annoyance directed at Kurapika, and lack of joy despite being photographed with the heartthrob.

Kurapika, pulling his suitcase with one hand and my doughy body with the other, turned left; obviously straining and tense although no journalists were following or stalking us. I wondered where he was taking me. We couldn't casually sit at some café and exchange words about the situation at hand. Celebrities didn't do "casual", each doing of theirs was something to flash news about. Kurapika didn't seem intent on getting a taxi or something of that kind, he probably didn't want anyone to know the location of any place that he might have business in. He didn't have any private drivers or something of that sort, he was a solitary as everyone in the country knew. This also left out the possibility of him visiting a friend's house as a temporary solution. I didn't suppose his home was near, either. So where was it that he was leading me to, pace too brisk for my wobbly legs to adjust to?

I decided to simply ask instead of racking my decapacitated brain over it. Kurapika only told me to wait until we got there. It was incredible how certain he was that I _could_ wait until we got there, there were few ways he couldn't be aware that I waited up to my limit and was practically tumbling behind him by the time I first opened my mouth.

"It's not far away." he added, relenting. I sighed inaudibly.

The streets were as different as they could be from Garitean streets, I had no idea where we were. I lost directions a while ago, I didn't know how more I would go on without a destination if I didn't find Kurapika. It should be scary, now that I thought about it, the keyword being "should". I didn't think it was scary, I only knew that it was scary to the ordinary human. Not to those without a sense of self preservation like me.

And Killua, now that I thought about it. I started to think about many things as my brain went lower in the percentage of working parts. Strange enough for me, who was a weak thinker and blind-goer.

I started to notice the change for worse in my mind lately, that was noticeable whenever Killua crossed my thoughts. This was something that happened less often toward the end of my goalless journey, but more often than it should be nonetheless. I was as uncomfortable with it as I cared about it. It was the only thing I directed my focus on at the moment, as most people did with irritating wounds, peeling off the scab compulsively. It was trivial, I hadn't engaged in interaction with Killua for more than three days, yet I was tirelessly tracking him; maybe out of pity that he had no one else to care for him, no one that knew about the crappy situation he was quite literally thrown into, no one he actually opened himself to do any of the mentioned. Only me, and it was half-hearted even with me. I pulled more people into this as I went, but none was as engulfed in the aggressive ambition of finding him as I was; maybe because he wasn't as iconic for them as he was for me, he was the first to make me feel something other than indifference, to intrigue me enough to make my head lift to look at him. Pushing everything aside, maybe I was the only one that was unstable and lost enough to put the first thing to grab her attention in the centre of her life. Either way, I was screwed up, most likely more than Killua was.

No level of being screwed up could prepare me for what Kurapika had in store for me, though.

"My friend here, Melody," -Melody was a girl as tall as Kurapika, with eyes as grey as his and a smile to clash all the resemblance along with her grey hair- "is good at luring the others," Kurapika shot her a look at this point, one that was returned by an apologetic one from Melody, "and just as I stepped out of the plane, she called me to give me some big news."

"Hi." Melody grabbed my both hands. "You must be Rena."

I was bepuzzled. Kurapika hadn't called or texted anyone while he was with me.

"A girl that made quite a bit of an impact on our dear friend, Killua."

"Huh?" was all I managed to utter, doe-eyed and beetle-browed.

"You see, a very lost boy with some pretty bad injuries and a scattered brain was trying to find the way back to home after an intense fight with two phantoms." She gave a nervous chuckle to stress the pun she made in case I didn't get it, which must have been pretty believable with the glassiness of my eyes I felt as something tangible.

"He had a leaf to turn over. He was still being tracked down for the issues he had with several delinquents, people that had no purpose left other than their unguided animosity. He fought pretty well, given that his sister's life was on the line."

Melody's words made little sense to me. I couldn't bring myself to stay awake long enough to listen to it any longer. So she decided to drop the bomb without further ado.

"The Phantom Troupe had ended, Killua is being seeked after by almost all of the world televisions, and he is in the room next door with Alluka by his side."

I realised that my eyes were open wide enough to pop out of my head when I felt cool air on the back of my eyelids. However, I miraculously still had enough reason left to argue with Melody about a few things that didn't click with me.

"How could the Troupe has ended with members and member nominees still alive?"

"Troupe was an act of unity and solidarity, had a great boss and very skilled members that were committed to each other, yes." Melody spoke distinctly. "But that was at the beginning. The Troupe Killua fought was nothing but the shadow of what they used to be. The remaining founding members are working alone, tricking people into believing that the Troupe still exists so that they could feed off the fame and fear they had for a long while, that is no longer there."

"Alluka... Machi was looking for Alluka..."

"She was?" Melody was surprised, but just slightly. "Phinks had her. Killua was then handed over to him by one of the nominees you were talking about, he tried to bargain."

I didn't want to, or need to, hear about any more of this for some time. I shook my head frantically, starting slow but getting fast enough to feel nauseated, while walking backwards to find the room next door she said Killua was in.

Melody and Kurapika stayed behind, already starting to discuss the matter at hand. I pushed the only door in the corridor open, hand slightly shaking and head buzzing audibly in anticipation of what I was going to see.

When the door first revealed them, they were asleep. They looked like they arrived very recently from somewhere, the girl's cheeks were flushed and Killua's each breath was making his chest rise significantly. She was snuggled up on him, his arm was curled to rest on top of her head. Other than the love bond that made itself known in the room and between the alleged siblings and the same milky shade of skin, there was no way anyone could tell the short girl with the mop of black hair and full lips and cheeks was related to the beanpole Killua with his invisibly white hair and ridiculously slender build.

I felt like I was intruding, but I couldn't pry my eyes off the sight and lift my feet off the ground. My eyes finally rolled up after a moment of pure bewilderment, and Killua finally came to his senses which would have been too late to detect my presence to take action had I actually been an intruder. I rolled my eyes down, our pairs finally meeting after what felt like ages of being apart.

I enjoyed the look that must have been on my face minutes ago. I landed gracelessly and hurtfully on my knees. Before I knew, I was smiling a smile that looked more like grimacing, all my feelings depicted in the laboured curving of the lips; a smile that shouldn't be there, that is as inconvenient as it could get in these circumstances, after what we had been through. But this was me, always too quick to forget the past.

And this was Killua, utterly dumbfounded, finally showing what it was like behind the layers of emotional protection and endurance, letting me see a feeling triggered by me. Something clicked in my mind for the first time after a long while, and I knew -I think we both knew- that something big was waiting for us outside.


	10. Chapter 9

**_Chapter 9_**

* * *

 _My name is Rena Stargazer._

 _I'm 12._

 _I have apples._

 _Care to share?_

 _I am Rena, from Tanben City._

 _I bought it from MinTanners, thanks._

 _I don't know this city... I have arrived only recently._

 _No, I don't drink._

 _I don't want to._

 _I don't want to kiss anyone at all. It doesn't have anything to do with your gender._

 _Yes, I am._

 _Second time trying._

 _I failed the sweaty phase._

 _I don't know. Keep trying? I want to have a job._

 _Okay._

 _Okay._

 _Thank you._

 _Hmm?_

 _Rena._

 _I can't say I want to. I appreciate the kindness, though._

 _Yes?_

 _Nah. I'm good._

 _..._

A span of 18 years isn't enough to have experience stored in mind. 18 years are only good for destroying whatever little sense that came built-in, forgetting about the thorns in the path to further ages, closing eyes in order to see.

Rena Stargazer was solitary from the start.

Parents want to see their children have friends. They worry when their child spends a little more time than usual with the said friend and start to think otherwise, go back and forth between these two concerns, non-stop until when they suddenly realise that the kid has grown up.

Some kids are born grown-up.

A sensitive child.

Her heart is just so full of affection.

She is too good for this world.

She perceives things differently.

She overthinks.

She doesn't think before she acts.

Absent-minded.

Too much intelligence must have caused her to go mad, don't you think?

I don't know what to do with this child anymore.

She will find her way.

She has found her way already.

 _Bitter._

She does everything her way, I don't feel like I'm her father at all; and you, what kind of a mother are you? How did this child end up this way?

Just who is Rena?

 _Rena Stargazer had a void. She could not fill it up. She couldn't say she tried to. She was a natural at disregarding things, no matter how important. She paid the problems so little heed the problems were as good as nonexistent. She lived together with them harmoniously._

Rena doesn't treat us like we're her parents.

 _Rena Stargazer wasn't the type to love. Her thoughts didn't settle down with one thing for longer than a month. For someone who couldn't find it in her to obsess over, or just get ambitious over something; it was difficult to pursue a dream or lock her heart to somewhere. She didn't feel like a daughter to her parents, like a student to her teachers, like a friend to her classmates. She had never been someone else's._

So I can't see her as my daughter.

 _Rena Stargazer could communicate to people fairly easily. She could be a people's person. She was estranged from the lives of the others through her preference not to._

She is free to do whatever she wants.

 _Rena Stargazer..._

Rena is gone.

 _...isn't difficult._

Good grief. It was a tough sixteen years, coming on and off and on again.

 _She just didn't come across someone to take a peek at the roots of her quirks._

"I'm Rena."

"I don't care who you are."

 _In all honesty, I did. But all because you were suspensively bold in the dead of the night, and off your Nen enough to gravitate towards an assassin's aura._

I will tell you about the Rena Stargazer I know. But before that...

...

There is a thing about blue eyes that makes it impossible to look at them arbitrarily. I don't remember looking into blue eyes and not feel like the owner's trusting me with his biggest secret. When I pry them way, my eyes don't return to me with the same amount of spiritual wisdom as before.

Looking into blue eyes is refreshing, something I like to do whenever I have the chance - and is an action only a girl as bizarre as me can put this much meaning into.

It is but a coincidence that the highlight of my life has the most petrifying blue eyes I've ever seen, anyone has ever seen I'd like to think.

I've been going on about how I feel rejuvenated by blue eyes and how they somehow give me a clearer insight of life. But then, in Melody's guest room, blue eyes were the lock on my tongue, the stiffness in my legs, the sudden cold cascading to my hands from my neck. Maybe because this was the first time they were exposed to this degree, the first time Killua Zoldyck let the spark of worry, excitement and pure surprise show up in his eyes - maybe because I was too dishevelled and unprepared for this that I took the sensation of blue eyes as something from myself, not a stranger's glimmer of life but my own gaze that I let linger on everything stranger. In my head, all the voices - the voice of my exhaustion, my stupefaction, the reason (even if it was too low to be heard properly even at times when my mind was in harmony), the voice that told me to just raise my feet off the ground and throw myself at Killua - were rising into a cacophony and stilling until only one voice was clear for me to hear: Speak up. Tell him. Go. Touch. Lend an ear to your impulses.

So I did.

I didn't know if it was the best thing to do in that kind of situation. I wasn't sure if Killua was going to take that normally or have a miniature freak-out. Hell, I didn't even know if it really was the thing I wanted to do the most at that moment. But I did.

I think I kicked Alluka's face as I launched myself onto her brother. I wasn't smooth, had never been. Though it was okay. She didn't wake up. Killua didn't comment on it.

So we kissed, me still clumsy and drooling a bit, him moving his hands in the proximity of my backside to get me to sit on his lap, all the while we were right next to his sister's sleeping face. Talk about conniving.

"You're drooling." he said, affection so profound in his voice I has to cock my head to the side to find the right angle and gaze intensely at his face.

"You're melting."

"What?" Wrinkles shot through his forehead between his eyebrows.

"You have no tough walls up, and you are being as soft as your pillow back at your home, which was the most comfy thing to ever grace my head by the way. You kissed me for five minutes straight, you also didn't do anything to hide your inner mess from me." My hand found his collar on its own and I started to play with the buttons, tilting my head a little left. "So you missed me?"

"Do you expect me to get flustered? Mad?"

I snickered. "It'll be a lie if I say yes or no."

"Yeah, I did. But I didn't have any expectations, I thought you fell into their hands. I would come back for you, but I barely smuggled Alluka out of their den."

It was time to get to the serious talk, then. "I heard you got captured."

His face fell. "You would think twenty years of being an assassin would give me place to extend my shield to cover a second person as well. First I let them take you from my hands, then Alluka."

"I shouldn't climb to the cloud nine just by hearing this." I let out, too late to realise I was thinking out loud as usual. Killua chuckled softly, amazing me for the umpteenth time for the day.

"You should. I won't be allowing you to do it often."

His collarbones I felt under my hands were sharp, concealed under surprisingly warm skin. All of a sudden, I was hypersensitive to his feeling under my touch, his breath on my face, his legs under mine. I dropped my hand to his chest, caressing through the fabric of his shirt. My breath became audible, coming in short episodes of inadequate oxygen.

"Are you in a good mood?" I cooed, my hand stopping with my words. I lowered my hand to let it rest on his abdomen. "Am I excused to get spoiled a bit?"

He squeezed his hands at the sides of my thighs. "No more than Alluka is excused to."

I had the final blow ready to drown my hesitance with forward action, though. I brought my mouth near his ear to let him hear my low whisper. "But she had you to herself before I came. Now I want my share."

A sigh from his part let me know about his willingness to give up all cautions and measured movements, which I complied to by planting a kiss under his chin.

"I'm thinking maybe we will find some time for ourselves if we let the two in the room next door take care of this young lady for a bit."

Shaking his head, Killua locked eyes with me. "I won't trust anyone with her until she learns to properly defend herself."

"My teaching Nen won't be anywhere as effective as your assassin training." I said in response to his expectant eyes.

"You won't be teaching her Nen." Killua explained. "You will be staying with us."

"Where? How?" These were only two of the questions, and the shortest ones at that, which were filling my brain. I thought that Killua was about to reveal something big, and gathered myself from my slack position on his lap.

"You won't be going out of your way. Continue your poison studies, go on travels - to NGL if you want. I'm going to need some realistic setting if I want to actually prepare her to real life. She's barely been out of the protection of home before, and her first experience wasn't at all encouraging is it?" He grimaced, eyes darting down to find my chest too close to his. The worry in his eyes vanished quickly.

"But Rena, you will be so sorry for making me feel at home."

Now was my turn to return the sentiment, to help the introvert twenty-year-old expressing himself through self-denigration.

"I won't be if I find home by your side."

With Alluka's sigh that signaled she was past the heavy phase of sleep, I found his lips one last time for a long, longing kiss, its impact enough to make Killua shiver as he pressed the length of my body onto himself in a motion that felt like he was arguably using me as an upholder. In the seconds that sucked all the coldness from my hands and my neck, leaving me even hotter than the ever warm Killua, I felt more loved than I ever did any other time in my life. I think even if my cheeky words didn't give away my heartfelt emotions, close to happiness but seasoned with the fear of the unknown future; my head's tipping back and my fluttering eyelashes did. We parted, though with difficulty; and I helped myself up before lending a hand to him, leaving the sexual tension in the air unresolved. This was how he wanted to play, so I gladly played along.

It was just our brushing hands and Killua's contentment having a stranger -as far as she was concerned- around that might have made any bells ring in Alluka's head (unlikely with the grandeur of innocence going on with her), but as I spent the rest of the day by Killua's side, I felt whatever there was to be felt in the way I was snug under his arm and complimented his height and weight alike in appearances. It was the comfort, the reassurance I could do with, and a small amount of satisfaction that I had him under my eyes, my hands.

Right, I had him under my hands.

I remember what I was thinking that night just like I remember every moment but one with Killua. That night, I couldn't give it any meaning that I was shying away from actually removing the dresses out of the way and touching him just the wanted way, I suspected that my comfort on our first night stemmed from that one moment I couldn't remember - what made me go with a stranger to his house. Because it didn't make any sense that now my hands were frozen, I could only stay glued to the side of the bed and could only receive Killua's touches and kisses with nothing to give on my end. Only when he stopped to shake the hesitation out with a look that I saw the schemes in my head in broad light - there was my old self again, saving what I had now to later, in order not to miss it when I ran out of it - only I don't remember a single time I actually brought what I hid into the open. I always ended up losing things. I was so accustomed to it I was doing it unconsciously now, knowing somewhere deep within my mind that I'd lose it again if I didn't enjoy it now. But old habits were impossible to kill. By oneself.

I just had to let Killua kill them for me. How lucky I was that killing was his specialty.


End file.
